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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone.
I said, "The whole time."

So what's the speed of dark?

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees?
And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment.
When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it,
do the other trees make fun of it?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss??
It sounds like a near hit to me!!

Do fish get cramps after eating?

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you.
Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?

Why is it that lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just seem longer?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?"
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers,
why are they all still working?

Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as warning to others.

Ray's Law: You can't fall off the floor.

Paranoids are people too; they have their own problems.

It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.

Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.


Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I doubt, therefore I might be.

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

I you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
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Thoughts From Time to Time

I STARTED out with nothing....I still have most of it.

When did my wild oats turn to prunes and All Bran?

I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.

If all is not lost, where is it?

It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.

The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.

I tried to get a life once, but they were out of stock.

I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.

It was all so different before everything changed.

Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay resident.

A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.

I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few...

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

Never knock on Death's door: ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).

Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).

When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?

If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.

There are two kinds of pedestrians ... the quick and the dead.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere.

Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.


Automatic washing machines.
Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

Bargain Basement Upstairs

Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.

After the tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc.
Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.
Wonder wot a wife is good for??
Second-hand fly fishing gear??
Personally, I'd hold out for at least a really nice bicycle... <grin>

Any person passing this point will be drowned.
By order of the District Council. {That'll teach 'em!!}

Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
{If this were in Joisey and owned by the Mob then I'd take it seriously...}

Closed due to illness.

Elephants Please Stay In Your Car

Toilet out of order. Please use floor below {Ewwwwww...}

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?
But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles
a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is.
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing a bank robbery has just taken place.
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one.
I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use
language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I
think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness.
  Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there.
I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it,  maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal.
There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I only have photographs of her.
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.
'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket'? She sneered.
I replied in a psychotic tone,
'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.'
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my
fish-burger and I realize, 'Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner.'


In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes,
when you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on.
That's where the phrase, "goodnight, sleep tight" came from.
The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog." uses
every letter in the alphabet. (developed by Western Union to test  telex/twx   communications)
The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
When opossums are playing 'possum', they are not "playing." They actually pass out from sheer terror.
The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built,
engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
The term "the whole 9 yards" came from W.W.II fighter pilots in the Pacific.
When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured
exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage.
If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards."
The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat
your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.
The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Super Bowl.
The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver."
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
In Cleveland, Ohio, it's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license.
It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
There are an average of 178 sesame seeds on a McDonald's Big Mac bun.
The world's termites outweigh the world's humans 10 to 1.
The 3 most valuable brand names on earth:
Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
When Heinz ketchup leaves the bottle, it travels at a rate of 25 miles per year.
Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka.
On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.
In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's nuclear weapons combined.
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding,
the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink.
Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based,
this period was called the "honey month" or what
we know today as the "honeymoon."
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts.
So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them
to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down.
It's where we Get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's."
Many years ago in England,
pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups.
When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service.
"Wet your whistle," is thephrase inspired by this practice.

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